My Journey Through Child Welfare and Beyond - The Short Version

I was five years old when the strangers showed up to take me away from the only place I had ever known. They told me everything was going to be ‘ok’, but I didn’t believe them. They are strangers and I was told to never talk to strangers. The year was 1986 and I was five years old. Social workers had shown up to remove me from my home due to child abuse and neglect. My father had thrown me on the floor, resulting in a broken leg, and then in turn, tried to get me to lie about it to doctors.

I am glad doctors are trained to detect these types of situations.

Having a small child removed from the only home they have ever known, by ‘strangers’ can be very traumatic regardless of why they are removed. As adults looking from the outside in, yes, the child might be being removed due to ‘safety’ concerns inside the home, but to the child themselves, their brain doesn’t understand the magnitude of these safety concerns, doesn’t understand anything about ‘law’ and ‘protection’, and just looks at their family home as ‘home’.

I know, because I was that child.

The Children’s Aid Foundation of Canada estimates there are 59,000 children and youth living in ‘permanent’ care across Canada.

That is ‘permanent’ care and doesn’t count for all the children and youth who are not in permanent care but have some other sort of agreement with families that are still involved with child welfare for one reason or another.

Divide that by the 10 provinces and the number is estimated to be around 5900 children and youth per province: just in permanent care.

I spent many years going from foster home to foster home and then back home again. After reading my file, I estimate around 60 moves.

60.Moves.

I was bullied almost my entire childhood because I am small, grew up poor, and the kids could sense I was different. By the time I grew into my teenage years, I became the bully as a method of trying to seek attention and affection from others, by trying to revamp my image. I was sick of being bullied, and just didn’t want to feel that pain ever again.

I spent time in foster homes, group homes, facilities, spent time being homeless and couch surfing, and can remember very vividly how I felt standing in line at the food bank wondering if life was ever going to get better for me.


The Children’s Aid Foundation also reports that less than 50% of youth in care graduate high school.

I was one of those youth.

I had quit school the first day of grade 10 because someone had made fun of my girlfriend at the time, and we got into a verbal altercation in the hallway. Even though the both of us were yelling at each other, I was the one who got suspended. I felt as if the world was out to get me and could not manage my emotions properly, so I quit school.

When I ‘aged out’ of the system when I turned 19, things got even worse. I became an alcoholic and a bar star drinking my rent and emotions away.

It took me the better part of 10 years of exploring myself, my emotions, and life on its own, before I was able to have a lightbulb turn on upstairs to get me to ‘think different’.

I eventually went back to school and took Child and Youth Care, to try and help children and youth in situations that I used to be in.

I believe very strongly that workers, government officials, and anyone else of the like, can learn a magnitude of information from the people, that have themselves, lived their lives in the child welfare system.

But not everyone thinks like that, and my beliefs were not welcome in my province. I had one agency make me swear I would never tell anyone I grew up in care.

I eventually moved to Alberta to try and make ends meet, and in hopes to gain some real meaningful experience in the field.

I have now been working in the field for 14 years now and have learned very much about trauma, attachment, connection, but most importantly, about myself.

I have a beautiful family with three daughters. We are not rich, but we live comfortably because my wife was able to secure a pretty good job out here. I spend most of my time working, and then coming home to take care of the kids. It is not an ideal situation, but it is one I am welcome to, to be able to not only do the work that I do, but to constantly try and work hard to get people to ‘think different’ when it comes to the youth and families we work with.

I live very deeply with anxiety, and it affects me in many ways. I wake up with a pit in my chest in the morning and go to sleep with it at night. Because of all the trauma I have experienced, it has physically changed how my brains thinks, perceives events, and forces me to believe that there will always be a bad outcome no matter what the situation. I have been trying to find good medication for years but not much helps. Anxiety makes me antsy, angry, and quick to get frustrated. I pray that a sense of eternal peace will wash over me and rid me of this anxiety.

The anxiety and this pain.

I have been in therapy for years and can only afford to go once a month. I know I need it more often but must pay out of pocket for this and can only afford so much.

I dream of owning a home on an acreage one day with a big yard where my children can run around and play, but I don’t think that will ever be a reality due to finances. We pay $2000 a month for rent, but due to iffy credit and not being able to save up enough money for a down payment, we are stuck paying a large sum of money a month, just to live in someone else’s home.

But alas, I don’t forget where I come from. I acknowledge and recognize that not everyone who has grew up in the child welfare system has come out of life with even ‘some’ of the things that I have. A lot of people I grew up with, suffer from a lack of education and severe issues with mental health.

The work that I do, I do it for you.

My number one goal is to inspire people and to try and give people hope, and a fighting chance that things could get better.

You just have to want to get better, and in order to do that, you have to accept your demons, and be willing to fight them at all costs. Face them and face those dark memories. Do it for you, your loved ones, your family and your friends, but most importantly; yourself.

I try different meds, and continue to go to therapy knowing, that all of this is slowly but surely, making me a better person. My therapist has noticed progress. My family has noticed progress. But most importantly I have noticed progress. I have more patience now than I used to, and always try and reflect on my words before I say them.

Lastly, to all the kids and families involved in the child welfare system. My thoughts, emotions and feelings are with you. I know that the system itself, is a good foundation to be something better; but I also know the government has only made minimal changes over the last 20 years due to lack of funding, and overwhelmed system, and overwhelmed case workers. I often wonder when someone is just going to stand up and do the right thing, but I am now 42 years old, and I am still waiting.

I know a lot of the issues with the child welfare system go back to generational trauma, and the need for immediate safety and protection of the child. This is the red tape of legalities that surround the child welfare system, which cause disruption, harm, and anxiety to those of us who know that the system could do better if it it wanted to.

Please know that no matter where I am, that I am with you, I love you and I believe in you. I believe that someday you will all accept the challenge to face those demons, confront the truth, pain and agony, in search of a better self and a more restful mind. Whenever you get down and out and don’t know what else to do, please think of me. I am far from ‘healed’, am riddled with anxiety and pain, and don’t know if I will ever receive that sense of peace I long for, but I walk this walk hoping that someday, someone somewhere, will hear my words, take what I have to say to heart, and will want to make change.

Much love.