Unicorns

Your little face

Your little hands

Your eyes

You sleep

Beside me

And I ache as I think once again how close I was to losing you

And how scared I’ve been of that your whole life

You cry for me now

And my heart breaks

The remnants of my heart that I’m trying to piece back together

I think every day of how close it came to me not knowing every moment of your little life

They tried to make the world believe I hurt you

I could never

They came to take you from me

I was engulfed in paralyzing fear and powerlessness

They didn’t take your body from me that day

Thank God

But they took away so many moments with you, for years to come, that I will never get back

In the first few weeks, I fell asleep terrified there would be a knock on the door and you would be ripped from my arms

I never took a hand-off of you for a moment all night

You slept right beside me under the watchful gaze of whoever had to be with us

And every morning I woke up, way before the sun, and imagined what I would do if they took me away from you and your siblings

Put me in jail for something that, not only did I not do, that never even happened

I had trusted these people who said they were “helping”

I had been so naïve

I will never, ever, trust them again. 

How could I?

You are perfect.

Every little speck of your body is perfect.

It was never broken.

They tried, and keep trying, to break me.

They won’t.

You were never broken and I will never break.

Not because of them anyway. 

I hope no other has to ever feel these feelings.

The gut-wrenching terror juxtaposed with tiny little fingers grasping my finger, a baby belly giggle, or arms wrapped around my neck

You’re no longer a little baby

You’re five

You’re a big girl

You love unicorns and swimming and singing out of tune at the top of your lungs to Queen Elsa

The “helpers” made their choice to deny us our truth

But I believe us.

I believe in us.

I believe that our story shouldn’t ever happen to anyone else.

I believe our story has to be heard

So I take inspiration from you and your fiery, red-headed spirit 

To do what we can to stop unnecessary harm

And start to heal

Because, my baby, I’ll be doing that my whole life.