Reflections on Dual Identity
The CWTTC blog recently explored the deep topic of institutional violence enacted by systems of child welfare. It highlighted the significance of intersectionality and the ‘disingenuous proclamation of child safety’. Now, let’s shift to the dual identity intersection that occurs when you go from being an ‘investigator’ to the one being ‘investigated’. When you cannot find a space for those being both the system enactors shifting to having it enacted upon you; when you see what the dual identity means and the long-lasting impacts it has. How do we both confront the harms we have done, while also reconciling harms done to us as both workers and people. I know now that I cannot go back but I can unlearn and relearn…there is some merit to hearing ignorance is bliss because these are tough things to sit with and hold space for.
Many of us enter the field of social work with aims to change the world. I was young, just 24, when I entered child welfare, and I naively thought I was ready. I had faced many adversities and knew the importance of connection and showing up with kindness and compassion; neither of which prepared me for the road ahead.
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood […] Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—”- Robert Frost
I entered in a trial by fire type fashion, facing responsibilities I was not equipped for being freshly out of my undergraduate degree and regardless of my life experiences. I had learned theoretical knowledge, but I was enacting a system I did not fully understand—until I did. I spent 16 years there, and I now reflect beyond the failed staffing retention and/or the lack of allotted resources. It goes beyond working in a system that places us in high risk to meet the well-being of others. And well-being is a subjective, yet relevant term. I was commended often for productivity, my skillset, and emphasis on relational work though it was impossible to juggle all, and harms were inevitably caused. I have reflected on times when maybe we, or the system have hidden behind guises of acting in the best interests of children as justification for the institutional violence occurring. Human psyche is complex, the system is broken, and we can enter with good intentions and still cause harm.
We need to look at the system, and its many intersections while simultaneously challenging oppression through our practices within it. I had wrapped much of my identity in my role, and I had not fully grasped the intersecting dual identity that now causes me pause. No one is immune to child welfare coming knocking at your door. And I live with residual harm having been afforded privileges others simply do not have. We should listen more to those with lived experiences of being investigated if we truly want to unpack a re-envisioning of the system. The system also targets, pathologizes and blames which becomes further complexed when you factor in that many are already marginalized and oppressed. My heart weeps for many reasons now, as I live with conflicting epistemological tensions from the systemic violence I encountered, after performing it for years.
There can be internal silencing codes, combined with stigma and shame that might cause workers to not speak out. These, amongst many other reasons. There are real risks when tied to the securities of a government mandated, well paid job with benefits. I now unpack the system through these intersections and my dual identity. This has changed my perception, shifted who I am to my core and ignorance may be bliss, but I opt to instead speak out about the realities of this dual intersection.
“I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.” -Robert Frost